I think I died a long time ago.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
