Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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