Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
