You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
