I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
