I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
