There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
