Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
