I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Can i not drive my cunt home
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
