3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
