I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
