I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
