She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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