so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
