I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
