I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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