3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
