I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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