ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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