i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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