He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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