Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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