Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
