booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
