peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
