and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
