Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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