i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
