Are we in a gay sports bar?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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