I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
