May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
