Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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