his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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