Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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