Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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