you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
