I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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