I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
