____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
