That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
