hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
