You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
