Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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