i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
