mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
