I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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