If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
In America we eat man semen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
