Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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