Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
