I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
