Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did I show you my penis last night?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
