i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
