My boss' voice literally gives me gas
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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