i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone owes me an orgasm
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
