In the future we'll all be gay
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
