i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
